Saturday, February 3, 2018

As Far As the William Arc Is Going This Season

I'm honestly underwhelmed.

The introduction of teenaged William as an illusion-casting self-healing Mutant was slightly unexpected in the middle of what started out as a Monster of the Week (Ghouli), and it seemed part of a disjointed plot to bring some cohesion to a muddled MythArc that had spiraled out of control.

There was a lot of plot ideas thrown at the screen in a 60-minute episode - which begged whether this should have been one of the epic two-parters that informed the MythArc episodes from Season Two forward - and because of that I felt the character development for William went nowhere. He was not given enough time on-screen to show depth.

Although if Smoking Man is his biological father, he's taking after his old man by double-dating and two-timing multiple girls at one time.

Damn that biological urge to breed.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

I Will Be Getting 'Shipper Surveys Out. But My Time Is Spread Out...

I'm personally overwhelmed at the moment with other writing projects.

Also, I fear I may miss Darin's episode tomorrow night.

DAMMIT! Tell me there's a repeat viewing later in the week.

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Early Thoughts On My Struggle III: Return of the Ass-Pull

Seriously, Chris Carter?


The cliffhanger from last year was ALL JUST A DREAM?! (well, actually, it was all foreshadowing mental projecting from the space-uberchild William)

That's just... that's just damn laziness on your part, Carter! The hell! You set up a world plague, Mulder dying, Smoking Man missing a nose, and a UFO coming to abduct Scully just as she tries to save everybody, and you... you just REWRITE THAT ALL AWAY?!?!

I'm with you Shaenon. I've gotten too jaded for this slop.

Okay, that's it. No more unsupervised script-writing out of you! FROM NOW ON EITHER VINCE OR DARIN EDITS YOUR SH-T FOR CONSISTENCY OR LOGIC OR SOMETHING.

Just go. Just go into that corner you painted yourself into, mister, and stay there until we need a surfing episode out of you or something. Just go.


Friday, December 29, 2017

So, There's a New Season of X-Files NEXT WEEK

All apologies for the long absence. I was hoping to think up of a good entry for the 100th blog post here, but it got away from me.

Instead, here's me posting the official trailer and confirming that, yes, I will post Senseless 'Shipper Surveys for 2018!

(and what's this about Gillian ending her role as Scully?!?!? Scully gonna DIE?! NOOOOOO Clyde Bruckman promised us she wouldn't.)

Sunday, September 4, 2016

X-Files: Trevor 'Shipper Survey

Just survived a hurricane passing overhead this weekend. Thing is, I've already done Agua Mala as a hurricane-themed 'Shipper survey, so do I have anything else that's storm-themed can I toss at ya?

Oh, here we go:

X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: Trevor

(this might not be Safe For Work, kiddes)

1) There's an ill wind blowing through a prison farm in Mississippi. Two men boarding up a window for the incoming twisters get into an argument, ending with one of them nailed (pun intended) to the spot. The culprit, Pinker Rawls, is brought before the prison warden who sentences the prisoner to the Box (and with the storm getting worse, to certain death). The aftermath leaves no trace of Pinker, but when the warden is found dead in his locked office, you know:

A) Pinker's an X-File, isn't he? Quick, call in Scully whose forensic skills will solve the case!

B) Pinker's an X-File, isn't he? Quick, call in Mulder whose intuitive skills will solve the case!

C) Pinker's an X-File, isn't he? Forget him! This means Dana and Fox will be holding hands!

2) We next see Agent Scully in her medical scrubs to examine the warden's body. When she sees the victim's abdomen is disgustingly melted away, you know from her reaction:

A) That she's going to enjoy describing this one in her next research paper to Penology Review

B) That this case won't remind her of pizza OR chicken

C) That Dana's going to need an extra-special back rub from Fox when she's done... <sigh>

3) Mulder notes how the crime scene was found locked and with no sign of blood. Scully starts rattling off possible modus operandi: that the murder occurred elsewhere (Mulder says no time); acid (Mulder says no acid was found); that David Copperfield did it (Mulder says the guy will be arrested for other crimes against humanity). Finally, Scully brings up spontaneous human combustion. This means:

A) Scully's been hanging around the Punk for too long! ARGH!

B) It's not really Scully! It's a hybrid! RUN!

C) The Believer/Skeptic dichotomy is over! They can make out now! YES!

4) Mulder's just as surprised as we are when Scully brings up spontaneous combustion. She tries to mention factual medical evidence to support that hypothesis, but he can't keep still. MULDER: "Dear Diary: Today my heart leapt when Agent Scully suggested spontaneous human combustion." SCULLY: "Mulder, shut up." YOU:

A) "Tell him off, sister! And trout-slap him for that s--t-eating grin of his!"

B) "Gee, when did Mulder start keeping a diary? Isn't he worried CancerMan would ever sneak a peek?..."

C) "OH GOD! HIS HEART LEAPT! YES! YES! YES! YES!" <gasp> <pant> <satisfying grin>

5) Mulder and Scully examine the crime scene. Scully tries to figure out how Mulder's suspect, Pinker, was able to get into a locked room and burn a guy in half right in the middle of a tornado. When Mulder taps his finger against a part of a wall that collapses instantly, you realize:

A) That they just don't build prison walls like they used to

B) That reprocessed egg-shell is just no substitute for Formica as building material

C) That Fox could pretend his finger hurts and get Dana to "nurse" him back to health... ;-)

6) Mulder and Scully examine Pinker Rawls' belongings. Mulder comes across a set of condoms. You:

A) Don't want to touch this topic

B) Note that condoms make for very poor water balloons... after all, you HOPE they don't break!

C) Grin wickedly and start writing a 400 page fanfic story on the more creative uses of <Writer gets an odd look from most everybody reading this> Well, I suppose not...

7) Meanwhile, in Vancouver, a woman tiding up an over-decorated house is eagerly trying to get her boyfriend to notice her magazine covers on brides. The guy, of course, is more interested in the TV, especially as it's showing cool footage of tornado damage and reporting the apparent death of Pinker Rawls. When June shatters her fancy china teacup, you realize:

A) That Martha Stewart apparently has more religious followers than Scully! Yikes!

B) That china from Wal-Mart does not constitute as "the good stuff"

C) That Dana shouldn't get any decorating tips from June when it comes time to move in to that dream house with Fox (post-wedding, naturally)!

8) Pinker Rawls is caught by a policeman whilst breaking into a discount store stealing clothes. The officer handcuffs Pinker and turns away to report in. When we next see Pinker he has slipped out of the cuffs and is busy driving off with the cop's car, so you deduce:

A) That Pinker Rawls' X-Files ability is to pass through the obstacles thrown up by the writers of this script. Just watch, the guy's going to escape from a room full of killer kitties any time now.

B) That the cop shouldn't have handcuffed Pinker right next to the WD-40 cans.

C) That Dana and Fox are going to flirt, uh, bicker over how Pinker keeps doing impossible things!

9) We next catch Pinker trashing a trailer home in search of something. The occupant, apparently an old friend of his, shows up and is surprised to see Pinker still alive. Pinker demands he "wants what's mine," scaring the other guy into pulling out his gun. Pinker is amused by the simplicity of this, letting his old friend pull the trigger. When the bullets don't do a damn thing to Pinker, you realize:

A) That Scully's going to have to melt down her silver cross to make a special bullet that COULD kill him! Oh, wait, silver only works on werewolves. Well, she should have done that LAST WEEK, it would have saved us the horror of a lame episode!... (note: it was the bad wolf episode, and no NO RELATION to Doctor Who's Bad Wolf)

B) That bullets NEVER work on this show! You're better off building a make-shift flamethrower!

C) That Dana and Fox don't need bullets! They've got condoms they can use! Uh, well, you know... <wicked grin>

10) Mulder and Scully arrive at the trailer, spotting the stolen police car. They go into SWAT!Mode, and go in with guns drawn and doors smashed. They spot the sitting form of Pinker's old friend. When the approach slowly to see what's what, you know:

A) That the Blessed One has the stomach to see what happened, but of course the Punk's going to get all freaked out about it

B) That having a face-to-face conversation with the dude is a moot point

C) That they can find more condoms in the bathroom... hey, c'mon, most everybody knows about safe sex nowadays!...

11) Mulder spots the remains of bullets in the far wall. He deduces what happened and tells Scully: Pinker Rawls has been altered at a molecular level, to where objects can pass through him and change matter to its basic components: wood into pulp, metal into shards, flesh into carbon. You expect Scully:

A) To trout-slap the Punk. Not because of his spooky theory, since it seems to fit the facts, but because he's got the car keys and won't let the Blessed Skeptic drive!

B) To roll her eyes, exclaim how impossible that is, and propose a new theory in which Pinker Rawls built himself a disintegrator gun...and brother, when it disintegrates, it disintegrates! <ZAP> Well, whadda ya know, it uh disintegrated... <many thanks to Chuck Jones>

C) To kiss Fox with a passion never seen before on television, and to propose some creative uses for those condoms! Well, you pretty much expect this all the time, really...

12) June gets a phone call from her nervous sister, who figures Pinker Rawls is loose and looking for revenge. Pinker does indeed arrive and June's sister runs for her bedroom, barricading herself inside. Next thing you know, Pinker strips off his clothes and passes through the door and the furniture, standing naked in the bedroom. You ponder to yourself:

A) So he has to take off his clothes for his powers to work? I don't think he'll be breaking into any banks this way any time soon!...

B) Pinker Rawls was the Naked Guy from UC of Berkeley? No wonder he was in jail!...

C) Why do we have to see this guy naked? It'd be so much nicer if it were Dana and Fox naked... in bed... sharing a bottle of red wine... <deep sigh>

13) Mulder and Scully show up, and again they kick down the door together with guns drawn and pumped for action. You:

A) Can't get enough of seeing SWAT!Scully! Damn, woman, kick down all the doors! Use them high heels! Yee-ha!

B) Wonder how much of a repair bill they're running up for the FBI... AD Kersh will NOT be pleased... oh, wait, they don't answer to him anymore...

C) LOVE seeing them in action together... IF ONLY they... well, you know... <hopeful grin>

14) Our heroes find Pinker has scrawled a message into the wall: "Give me what I want and I'll go away"... or something to that effect. They find out where his ex-girlfriend June is now hiding and go confront her about the money Pinker Rawls stole before his arrest. They upset June's current boyfriend, and end up taking June under protective custody. When Mulder taps the trunk of the car and watches it fall apart like a man electrically charged at a molecular level had passed through it, you realize:

A) That Scully's suitcase is no longer in the trunk. Damn you, Pinker! She had her peach lipstick in there!

B) That this scene would have been more effective if they hadn't shown the naked guy hiding in the trunk...AND with the trunk light on when it shouldn't be, just to make sure us clueless audience members knew what the writers wanted us to know! No duh!

C) That Dana and Fox would never break up if it was learned Dana had once dated a naked bank robber! Fox would not give up on his One-In-Five-Billion, after all! <sigh>

15) Mulder and Scully have the police take June into protective custody. Examining his last clue, Mulder spots an apparent weakness: Pinker can't pass through non-conductive materials like glass or rubber. Scully finds out what Pinker is really after: she finds medical documentation that June was pregnant. The audience gets to watch Pinker work his way into June's secured room via the ceiling: when that happens, you:

A) Conclude that Mulder's discovery is the more important clue as it proves there is a way to stop the MOTW <writer gets trout-slapped for his blasphemy against the Blessed Redhead>

B) Realize why Pinker's been leaving behind all of those condoms... <writer gets trout-slapped by his relatives for using such language>

C) AHA THE CONDOMS MAKE SENSE AFTER ALL! <writer gets slapped with the CAPS LOCK Key... now THIS hurts>

16) Too late, Mulder and Scully arrive at the hotel to survey the damage. They're trying to figure out what happened to June's pregnancy so they can figure out where to go. The records say was a boy born but there are no records of adoptions or anything other trace of the child. They realize June must have given her son to a relative, and when our heroes slowly raise their eyes to stare at each other, you consider their thoughts to be:

A) MULDER: "Gee, do you think they named the kid Marty?" SCULLY: "Who cares? Let's go kick some ass, you Punk!"

B) MULDER: "Do you realize this poor child has no chance to get a Darth Maul action figure?! I mean, those things flew off the shelves like you wouldn't believe!" SCULLY: "I know. The tyke probably got stuck with all those extra C3PO's..." (note: this was back when Episode I The Phantom Menace was due to come out. Yes, this IS old)

C) FOX: "I...LOVE you, DANA!" DANA: "I...LOVE you, FOX!" SKINNER (off-camera): "I...LOVE you, CarriK!"

17) Pinker forces June to take him back to her sister's house to meet his son Trevor. It's a tense moment as Pinker tries to talk calmly to the boy while the sisters shudder in fear. When the escaped convict nervously goes, "Uh... you're Trevor, right? Trevor Andrew. That's your name. My name is Pinker. But you can call me Pinky," you reply:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) "No, not Pinky you doof! <slap forehead in frustration> God, can you picture it now? 'What are we doing tomorrow night, Trevor?' 'The same thing we do every night, Pinky, try to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!' Augh..."

NOTE: For those of you wondering why June's sister had a lock on her pantry door, you might not have lived in the South. Down here, those weevils eating up your grits can get HUGE, hon!

18) June's sister does what she can to stop Pinky, uh, Pinker from taking the boy. She misses with the hot soup but nails him with the Pexiglass cookware. The boy runs, right in the direction of Mulder and Scully. Scully herds the child to safety while Mulder aims his rifle at Pinker. The convict, thinking bullets won't stop him, keeps moving. When Mulder fires and hits the guy with rubber bullets, and when Pinker gets this look on his face, you realize:

A) That rubber bullets are only meant to hurt the target, not wound or immobilize. Dammit, you Punk, you should have used a glass sword!

B) That Pinker is better off trying to lull Mulder into a trance by repeating the phrase "Cerulean is a gentle br..." <BLAM> Maybe not. Run, Pinky!

C) That both Dana and Fox are in their Protective!Mode showcasing how well they could be parenting with all those Emily clones... <deep sigh>

19) Pinker dodges the bullets by passing through a wall sans clothing. Now Scully has to deal with a Naked Guy chasing her and the boy. She leads Trevor by the hand racing to a nearby phone booth where the glass can protect them. As Pinker slams against the glass in frustration, screaming for his son, you:

A) Note the intuitive abilities of the Blessed One to protect children. And did you see that quiet no-look hand clasp between her and the boy? <reflective sigh> Dammit, CC, give Scully her ova back!!!

B) Wonder how big the psychiatrist's bill is going to be for Trevor when he's grown up all because his father walked around naked passing through walls and stuff

C) Hope Fox can hurry up and knock Pinker unconscious with a rubber mallet so he can pull Dana to safety and hug her like he did in the episode Irresistible...<deep sigh>

(additional note: crazy enough, even in 1999 those big glass phone booths were kinda rare. In this day and age of smartphones everywhere, this would be akin to Scully getting on a horse to chase down a Ford Mustang)

20) Pinker looks at his son, and realization sets in that he could never be accepted as a father. He turns away and stumbles into the street, where June drives up to slam him. Pinker passes through the front end of the car easily enough, but that windshield...ouch. Mulder runs up and passes judgment on the whole episode with these words of wisdom: "Gabba Gabba Hey." As the credits roll, you:

A) Wish Scully would be the one to make the big dramatic statement at the end...<picture it being similar to Peter Graves' speech at the end of "It! Conquered the World">

B) Nod in appreciation to the writers' deft handling of the MOTW. Most other writers would have had him crushed by a large wooden rabbit!

C) Still believe that Dana and Fox have a second chance in the movie sequel... damn bee! <mutter> <grumble>

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSE acolyte who just LOVED watching Scully kick in those doors and wave around her gun and get all protective and stuff. You just hope next week she gets to drive the car!...

B) Then you are an X-Phile who wondered why Pinker didn't just roll up a sleeve and pass his arm through the door and unlock it without having to strip down... It's like, dude, show some modesty!

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who wondered why Dana and Fox didn't strip down so they could pass through solid objects and stuff... well, they could have TRIED!!! And if it didn't work, they could have tried the condoms! <THOSE would have worked!> <sigh>

So, how bad is the damage so far?

Saturday, August 13, 2016

X-Files: Tithounus 'Shipper Survey

So as I'm going back through the backlog of Senseless 'Shipper Surveys I did during the last half of the show's original run, I keep coming across a lot of references to stuff I did as fanfic stories (which I jumped into from Season Two onward).

Say hello to one of them.

X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey - Tithonus

1) The episode begins with an elevator full of people, and the camera stays with a pretty blonde secretary as she does her mail drop for the night. She gets nervous as a mysteriously dour man discreetly follows her. She finally makes it back to the elevator, but the man arrives just before the doors close. He sees something the others can't: he stops and gets off the elevator. As the secretary sighs with relief, the elevator shakes and plummets. So, as a long-time viewer of the show, this reminds you:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) Of X-Files Rule #19: If the X-File involves an elevator, TAKE THE STAIRS!

2) After the opening credits, the camera begins panning across the crowded work area of FBI headquarters where our intrepid heroes are making phone calls on "routine" background checks. You respond with:

A) A sarcastic "Hey! Scully, will you tell your Punkish partner to stop all that heavy breathing? It sounds like he's calling one of those 900 numbers again!"

B) A horrific "Oh GOD No! Mulder and Scully have turned into phone drones! It's hiding in the light! Dial and smile! Dial and smiiiiillllleeeeeeeeeee..." (oops, I need to do "Foix la Due" next)

C) A hopeful "Three more phone calls and Dana and Fox can win that free trip to Jamaica!"

3) Scully gets called to the carpet by Kersh. It seems this Agent Ritter from the New York City field office thinks a free-lance crime photographer named Fellig is taking one too many pictures right at the time people die, and he needs a forensic pathologist to aid his investigation. Scully offers that she and Mulder will be right on it, but when Kersh reveals that Scully is being partnered with Ritter as Mulder is "a lost cause," you:

A) Retort, "We know Mulder's a lost cause, but there's no way on God's Green Earth that pup Ritter can keep up with the Blessed Redhead!"

B) Whisper, "No, a Lost Cause would be hoping the Falcons win the Super Bowl. Mulder's just someone to have around in case the pencil sharpener needs to be fixed..."

C) Reply, "Dana, Ritter's just a boy. Go easy on him and don't break his heart when you tell him Fox is your one-in-five-billion..."

4) Mulder sneaks a peek at the case file before Scully shows up to warn him of Kersh's intentions of "saving" her career with the FBI by pairing her off with a new partner. Mulder tries to warn her of the X-File possibilities here: murder by telekinesis, maybe a shamanistic death-touch, something about the Muslim superstition that photography can steal their souls. Scully gives him the usual "All very helpful," before assuring Mulder that they're not splitting up, "This is a one-time thing." As Mulder frets that if she does good on this assignment, she "won't be back here," you:

A) Know that this is where they create the new X-Files spin-off, "Scully: NYPD Redhead" (Picture Gillian running around NYC shouting, "Freeze, you bleeping hybrid!")

B) Consider the possibility of Scully running into the cops from "Law & Order" and getting a chance to testify in court before an incredulous McCoy about the existence of alien hitmen working for the Russian Mob (Just watch GA go "fuggeddaboutit" in front of Lenny) (Note: thanks to the "Unusual Suspects" episode linking Det. John Munch to pretty much everybody in the Westphall Universe, this is a real thing)

C) Fret that they are... <sob> ...splitting up and...and... <weeping> ...they won't be partners <sniff> anymore and...and...they would no longer <tearful wail> be covered by the FBI policy on interoffice romances and...and... <gleeful grin> Oh. Never mind!... :-)

5) Agent Ritter meets Mulder. Ritter calls him "Fox." You:

A) Want Mulder to pull out a trout and scream, "Only Scully's mom can call me that, you bastid!" <whack>

B) Want Mulder to grin wickedly and retort, "You know, the last FBI agent to call me 'Fox' got eaten by killer mutant moths from Japan..." just so we can see that horrified look on the rookie agent's face... <tee-hee>

C) Worry that Peyton was looking at Fox the wrong way...damn Slashers! <mutter><curse><grumble>

6) Ritter and Scully go to New Yawk City, where they start checking up on Fellig's history as a photographer. Scully finds his registration forms with the cops, dating back to 1964...and check this, all of the pictures look the same. As the agents try to comprehend how that could be, you notice:

A) That at no time has Scully made any attempts to get directions to CBGB's...nuts! (Note: CBGB closed as of 2006 NOOOooooo)

B) That at no time has Ritter proved himself to be anything other than an overeager, klutzy rookie agent...ha!

C) That this would have been the perfect time and place for Dana and Fox to hold hands and talk about root beer instead of having Dana show up the rookie...dammit!

7) The streets of New York City (Please read Encyclopedia of Fantasy by John Clute and John Grant to get a true sense of the place) are alive at night, and on this night in this particular corner the streets are filled with the screams of a victim running from death. The killer comes, stabs the victim, all for the blinking red shoes. Above, a picture is taken. Fellig slowly moves, not even fleeing as he takes more pictures, and the killer returns to finish off this picture-taking witness and take the camera. But as Fellig stumbles to his feet, still alive, you reply:

A) "He is Immortal, he is Highlander! Scully, you'd better have brought that samurai sword your father got while stationed in Japan!"

B) "Ah! The bleeping dead bleeping lives! It's looking for brains! RUN!"

C) "Well, this is interesting. I wonder if the popcorn's done yet in the microwave. Maybe when I get back to my chair Dana and Fox will be flirting over the phone... <sigh>"

8) <Insert the "Da-Da" noise from Law And Order> Morning. Crime scene. Ritter is pumped, because the knife found at the scene had prints matching Fellig's. Scully points down and just to check on Eager-Boy's IQ, asks "What's this?" Ritter goes, "That's a lot of blood." You want Scully's response to be:

A) "No s--t, Sherlock. <trout-slap> You just failed the test, you wanna-be Punk!"

B) "Really? Blood? <dips finger in goo> <tastes it> Hm. Needs salt."

C) "You know, Peyton, you're a <as brutal as a girl can say it> nice guy and all <ladies, trust me, this hurts>, but I'm looking for a...partner that has at least one brain cell working..."

9) The police drag Fellig in for questioning. Ritter does his "check check" routine to the microphone before handing it off to a noticeably miffed Fellig. Ritter confronts the suspect on his whereabouts and actions last night but gets nowhere. Scully cuts to the chase, confronting the photographer about his fingerprints being on the weapon, and then makes the intuitive leap to checking Fellig if he was stabbed. As Fellig takes off his coat to reveal his scars, you:

A) Celebrate the interrogative abilities with a Scullyrita and a hearty "You go, girl!"

B) Question the quality of the tape recorder, wondering if they should do this with some digital equipment in a sound booth to make sure they get all the vocal nuances just right...

C) Wonder if Dana is trying to set up an opportunity to speak to Fellig alone so she could ask him to take pictures at her wedding with Fox...well, Fellig would only show if the maids of honor drop from eating poisoned truffles, so maybe she shouldn't...

10) Ritter is not too thrilled that Scully isn't taking the opportunities to arrest Fellig on any pretense. Meanwhile, some doofus named Fox Mulder calls Scully to remind her they use to work together. He keeps thinking her case in New Yawk is an X-File, but she disagrees. As Mulder offers to do a background check since he's getting so good at it, you realize:

A) That Scully would go get her car's air conditioner fixed and the Punk would still think it was an X-File ("C'mon, Scully, think about it...")

B) That Mulder would save ten cents a minute by dialing 10-13-1121 and the number! Oh, sorry, those damn commercials are getting to me...

C) That Fox is doing all he can to help Dana solve her case, even though it could mean... Oh, the things we do for love... <sigh>

11) We catch Scully as she takes her turn on the stakeout casing Fellig's apartment. Scully's eyesight is good enough for her to catch the photographer taking pictures of her. For you, this means:

A) This Fellig guy knows beauty when he sees it! Hey, Gillian, pose for a few more mag covers! <wicked grin>

B) Scully's about to die in some hideous fashion!!! No! Watch out for that 16-ton weight!!!

C) Dana's got this problem with attracting old, lonely, death-obsessed guys... if she hurries up and gets that engagement ring from Fox, maybe this wouldn't happen all the time...

12) Her cover blown, Scully confronts Fellig with the truth: that he is under investigation for his ability to be there when someone dies, and that unless he explains himself he will be hounded for the rest of his life. Fellig sighs, and offers Scully a chance to ride with him. You consider:

A) Whether or not she gets to drive

B) Whether or not she gets to play her Ramones tape on the radio

C) Whether or not she warns him she's practically engaged to Fox...damn bees!

13) Fellig shows Scully the streets of New Yawk at night. He explains what it is he's looking for: the shot. He stops the car near a prostitute and warns that she is about to die, maybe in a minute, maybe in an hour, but she will die. SCULLY: "That woman right there is going to be murdered?" FELLIG: "I didn't say that...The how is always a surprise. I just always know when." SCULLY: "You want me to believe that?" You realize:

A) That when she says that is also when she gets knocked unconscious right before the UFO shows up. Dammit, Scully, come up with another retort, okay?

B) That if they wait another minute an Atlanta Falcon player might show up and change history

C) That it's been five minutes since the last phone conversation between Moose and Squirrel and already you're getting antsy for some hand-holding! And you used to hold out a lot longer than this! This season has been wearing you down...

14) A thug shows up to hassle the hooker. Scully gets worried, gets out of the car, and gets medieval on the guy's ass. She takes down a bully twice her size, chains him up, and bitch-slaps him for good measure. You respond:

A) With a Xena!Cheer, the downing of your Scullyrita drink, and the purchasing of a "Scully Kicks Ass!" t-shirt from the OBSSE Gift Shop

B) With a "You know, ever since the NYPD's been cracking down on crime, the criminal element downtown just hasn't been the same..."

C) With polite applause and accepting nod of the head...okay, so we know who wears the pants in this relationship!...;-)

15) Scully checks with the prostitute to make sure she's okay, but the girl wants out of that scene. Which is when you shout:

A) "Watch out for that!... eeew..."

B) "Look out for that!... oops..."

C) Nothing. It's not nice when people get hit by speeding trucks... even those who only have one or two speaking lines per episode...:-(

16) Ritter isn't too thrilled about Scully breaking the surveillance. Scully informs him Fellig already knew about it, so she confronted him and learned the photographer has the ability to know when people are going to die. Ritter prefers to think Fellig is the murderer, and the thug who stabbed the photographer back in scene 7 is giving the rookie the excuse he needs to issue a warrant. Scully refuses to go along with this, and Ritter brings up Kersh's warning about Scully's "unconventional" behavior. Ritter threatens her not to muck up his case, and asks "Are we clear on that, Dana?" She glares at him as her phone rings. "Scully. And we're done with this conversation." You reply:

A) "Yes! The Rookie Punk has been officially trout-slapped! Pour me another one, BroColin, this calls for a toast to the Sainted Skeptic!"

B) "Guys! Check that thug's shoes! They ain't Bruno Maglis, but he's still the killer you're looking for!"

C) "Go away, little man. She's got some serious flirting to do with the one she truly lov...uh, trusts!"

17) Mulder calls about Scully's non-X-File case, which she now admits is an X-File. Mulder agrees, because this guy Fellig is proving to be an old pro at photography...about 150 years old to be more precise. Fellig is someone for whom the phrase "life in prison" carries serious weight. As Scully plans to keep an eye on the photographer, you realize:

A) That for Scully to admit something is an X-File... wow... that happens once in a blue moon, but you know of course blue moons have a scientific basis in fact...

B) That this Fellig guy must have gotten really tired of taking yearbook pictures for the local high schools again and again and again and again... and he'd have gone blind from all that glare from all those braces! Augh!

C) That this is a serious conversation... neither of them are doing the eyebrow-raising that indicates the humorous flirtation they normally do!

18) Scully goes to confront Fellig once more, revealing not only her knowledge of his past identities but also her ire at his lack of compassion in refusing to even try saving those about to die. Fellig calls them "lucky bastards," able to die when he can't. He's just there to take the picture, to try and get a shot of Death. You:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) Tell him Death is easy to spot: she's a petite pale woman with shoulder-length brunette hair with a big golden ankh hanging from her neck down to her belly-button. Oh, and hi! Neil and hi! Tori!... ;-)

19) When Fellig explains to her all the times he's tried to kill himself, you consider:

A) If Scully can come up with a persuasive enough argument to use his powers for good instead of evil...

B) If life in New Yawk is that bad, why not move to Joisey?

C) If all this guy needs is a good, uh, hand-hold. But not with Dana, she's spoken for, dammit!

20) Scully spots a name on a picture and discreetly tries to call Mulder to check that name for her. When she gets back to Fellig he bumps into her, nicely picking her pocket for her cell phone. As he turns it off and hides it, you:

A) Worry that Scully's going to have to waste more money getting that phone replaced too... just like the ones she lost in Antarctica and Alaska and Maine and Indiana and Vancouver, well maybe not Vancouver...

B) Wonder if she'd be better off keeping her personal belongings in a portable interdimensional pocket... or whatever it was we used in Dungeons and Dragons to carry heavy things and... yes, I played D & D. Okay???

C) Wobble back and forth in your chair because no phone means no contact between Dana and Fox. No contact means no 'shippy moments. No 'shippy moments... brain freeze! Aiieeee...

21) Mulder calls Ritter, trying to find Scully. Mulder quickly realizes Scully is in trouble because her phone's not working. The name she gave him turns out to be a wanted murderer from the 1920s. When Ritter tries to comprehend how wacky that sounds, Mulder just tells him to get to Scully before it's too late. You notice:

A) That the rookie doesn't do a very good job of shooting down the Punk's spooky theories... tsk tsk

B) That considering traffic in the Big Apple, Ritter would get there a lot quicker if he went on foot

C) That all that matters to Fox is getting in touch with Dana! <sigh>

22) Scully, meanwhile, is trying to figure out the concept of immortality, that noone could have too much of living. Fellig, who has lived a long life, focuses instead on the despair of living too long: see too many people die, seeing the futility of it all, losing not only his wife but even her name. As Fellig begins to view Scully in a whole new way (the black-and-white image of approaching Death), you consider:

A) How Scully will handle HER Immortality: after all, Clyde Bruckman says she will never die! Fellig's just got fuzzy vision, that's all!

B) How Scully could die! Hmm, meteorite slamming into New Yawk... Sloppy arrow shooting by Ted Nugent from across the hall? Oh, no, NOT THE BEES!...

C) How Fox would react to Dana's death! No! Such a sad thing to think of! <sob><wail><gnashing of teeth>

23) Fellig warns Scully that Death is coming. The scene slows down. Each breath takes a minute. The curtain to the darkroom pulls back, and Scully sees Death in the form of:

A) Marita! Damn blonde!

B) Dr. Bambi! Damn entomologist!

C) The mascot for Georgia Tech! Damn bee!

24) Both Fellig and Scully are shot. Fellig suddenly tells Scully not to look at Death, and he looks up instead to see... Later in the hospital, Mulder waits for Ritter to finish his apologies to Scully. When Ritter leaves the room, he bumps into Mulder who whispers "You're a lucky man." What he means is:

A) "If Scully died, I'd have fed you to my fish" (Autumn's suggestion)

B) "If Scully died, I'd have forced you to eat Frohike's omelets"

C) "If Dana died... I would have lost the only person who kept me sane... and you would have experienced the most painful, slowest, hideous death in human history!"

25) Mulder tries to comfort Scully with the news that she's healing pretty quickly. He also reports that Fellig is dead of a simple gunshot wound. Scully doesn't think Fellig could have lived forever. Mulder thinks he could have, because Death "only looks for you when you seek its opposite." You:

A) Take a moment to try and figure out what the Punk just said.

B) Take another moment, because it still sounds a bit spooky.

C) Realize that he means Death only comes for you when you've really lived... that Fellig, having no enjoyment in living, would have never found Death until he had a reason to live... which means... Fellig had a crush on Dana! Oh. <insert background music from a certain Queen song> Who wants to live forever? / Ooooh, when love must die...

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSEr who has always known Scully is Immortal...and now we'll get to see her carry around that samurai sword her father got when the family was stationed in Japan! Woo-hoo! <start singing that other theme song by Queen>

B) Then you are an X-Philer who hasn't read this writer's story "Scully Is...A Highlander," my finest in free verse! Now go, read it now!

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who knew that Dana will never die...not until she and Fox DO IT, get married, raise some hybrid clones, and gracefully die of old age having lived a full life. <sigh>

So... any other news, kids?