Sunday, September 4, 2016

X-Files: Trevor 'Shipper Survey

Just survived a hurricane passing overhead this weekend. Thing is, I've already done Agua Mala as a hurricane-themed 'Shipper survey, so do I have anything else that's storm-themed can I toss at ya?

Oh, here we go:

X-Files Senseless 'Shipper Survey: Trevor

(this might not be Safe For Work, kiddes)

1) There's an ill wind blowing through a prison farm in Mississippi. Two men boarding up a window for the incoming twisters get into an argument, ending with one of them nailed (pun intended) to the spot. The culprit, Pinker Rawls, is brought before the prison warden who sentences the prisoner to the Box (and with the storm getting worse, to certain death). The aftermath leaves no trace of Pinker, but when the warden is found dead in his locked office, you know:

A) Pinker's an X-File, isn't he? Quick, call in Scully whose forensic skills will solve the case!

B) Pinker's an X-File, isn't he? Quick, call in Mulder whose intuitive skills will solve the case!

C) Pinker's an X-File, isn't he? Forget him! This means Dana and Fox will be holding hands!

2) We next see Agent Scully in her medical scrubs to examine the warden's body. When she sees the victim's abdomen is disgustingly melted away, you know from her reaction:

A) That she's going to enjoy describing this one in her next research paper to Penology Review

B) That this case won't remind her of pizza OR chicken

C) That Dana's going to need an extra-special back rub from Fox when she's done... <sigh>

3) Mulder notes how the crime scene was found locked and with no sign of blood. Scully starts rattling off possible modus operandi: that the murder occurred elsewhere (Mulder says no time); acid (Mulder says no acid was found); that David Copperfield did it (Mulder says the guy will be arrested for other crimes against humanity). Finally, Scully brings up spontaneous human combustion. This means:

A) Scully's been hanging around the Punk for too long! ARGH!

B) It's not really Scully! It's a hybrid! RUN!

C) The Believer/Skeptic dichotomy is over! They can make out now! YES!

4) Mulder's just as surprised as we are when Scully brings up spontaneous combustion. She tries to mention factual medical evidence to support that hypothesis, but he can't keep still. MULDER: "Dear Diary: Today my heart leapt when Agent Scully suggested spontaneous human combustion." SCULLY: "Mulder, shut up." YOU:

A) "Tell him off, sister! And trout-slap him for that s--t-eating grin of his!"

B) "Gee, when did Mulder start keeping a diary? Isn't he worried CancerMan would ever sneak a peek?..."

C) "OH GOD! HIS HEART LEAPT! YES! YES! YES! YES!" <gasp> <pant> <satisfying grin>

5) Mulder and Scully examine the crime scene. Scully tries to figure out how Mulder's suspect, Pinker, was able to get into a locked room and burn a guy in half right in the middle of a tornado. When Mulder taps his finger against a part of a wall that collapses instantly, you realize:

A) That they just don't build prison walls like they used to

B) That reprocessed egg-shell is just no substitute for Formica as building material

C) That Fox could pretend his finger hurts and get Dana to "nurse" him back to health... ;-)

6) Mulder and Scully examine Pinker Rawls' belongings. Mulder comes across a set of condoms. You:

A) Don't want to touch this topic

B) Note that condoms make for very poor water balloons... after all, you HOPE they don't break!

C) Grin wickedly and start writing a 400 page fanfic story on the more creative uses of <Writer gets an odd look from most everybody reading this> Well, I suppose not...

7) Meanwhile, in Vancouver, a woman tiding up an over-decorated house is eagerly trying to get her boyfriend to notice her magazine covers on brides. The guy, of course, is more interested in the TV, especially as it's showing cool footage of tornado damage and reporting the apparent death of Pinker Rawls. When June shatters her fancy china teacup, you realize:

A) That Martha Stewart apparently has more religious followers than Scully! Yikes!

B) That china from Wal-Mart does not constitute as "the good stuff"

C) That Dana shouldn't get any decorating tips from June when it comes time to move in to that dream house with Fox (post-wedding, naturally)!

8) Pinker Rawls is caught by a policeman whilst breaking into a discount store stealing clothes. The officer handcuffs Pinker and turns away to report in. When we next see Pinker he has slipped out of the cuffs and is busy driving off with the cop's car, so you deduce:

A) That Pinker Rawls' X-Files ability is to pass through the obstacles thrown up by the writers of this script. Just watch, the guy's going to escape from a room full of killer kitties any time now.

B) That the cop shouldn't have handcuffed Pinker right next to the WD-40 cans.

C) That Dana and Fox are going to flirt, uh, bicker over how Pinker keeps doing impossible things!

9) We next catch Pinker trashing a trailer home in search of something. The occupant, apparently an old friend of his, shows up and is surprised to see Pinker still alive. Pinker demands he "wants what's mine," scaring the other guy into pulling out his gun. Pinker is amused by the simplicity of this, letting his old friend pull the trigger. When the bullets don't do a damn thing to Pinker, you realize:

A) That Scully's going to have to melt down her silver cross to make a special bullet that COULD kill him! Oh, wait, silver only works on werewolves. Well, she should have done that LAST WEEK, it would have saved us the horror of a lame episode!... (note: it was the bad wolf episode, and no NO RELATION to Doctor Who's Bad Wolf)

B) That bullets NEVER work on this show! You're better off building a make-shift flamethrower!

C) That Dana and Fox don't need bullets! They've got condoms they can use! Uh, well, you know... <wicked grin>

10) Mulder and Scully arrive at the trailer, spotting the stolen police car. They go into SWAT!Mode, and go in with guns drawn and doors smashed. They spot the sitting form of Pinker's old friend. When the approach slowly to see what's what, you know:

A) That the Blessed One has the stomach to see what happened, but of course the Punk's going to get all freaked out about it

B) That having a face-to-face conversation with the dude is a moot point

C) That they can find more condoms in the bathroom... hey, c'mon, most everybody knows about safe sex nowadays!...

11) Mulder spots the remains of bullets in the far wall. He deduces what happened and tells Scully: Pinker Rawls has been altered at a molecular level, to where objects can pass through him and change matter to its basic components: wood into pulp, metal into shards, flesh into carbon. You expect Scully:

A) To trout-slap the Punk. Not because of his spooky theory, since it seems to fit the facts, but because he's got the car keys and won't let the Blessed Skeptic drive!

B) To roll her eyes, exclaim how impossible that is, and propose a new theory in which Pinker Rawls built himself a disintegrator gun...and brother, when it disintegrates, it disintegrates! <ZAP> Well, whadda ya know, it uh disintegrated... <many thanks to Chuck Jones>

C) To kiss Fox with a passion never seen before on television, and to propose some creative uses for those condoms! Well, you pretty much expect this all the time, really...

12) June gets a phone call from her nervous sister, who figures Pinker Rawls is loose and looking for revenge. Pinker does indeed arrive and June's sister runs for her bedroom, barricading herself inside. Next thing you know, Pinker strips off his clothes and passes through the door and the furniture, standing naked in the bedroom. You ponder to yourself:

A) So he has to take off his clothes for his powers to work? I don't think he'll be breaking into any banks this way any time soon!...

B) Pinker Rawls was the Naked Guy from UC of Berkeley? No wonder he was in jail!...

C) Why do we have to see this guy naked? It'd be so much nicer if it were Dana and Fox naked... in bed... sharing a bottle of red wine... <deep sigh>

13) Mulder and Scully show up, and again they kick down the door together with guns drawn and pumped for action. You:

A) Can't get enough of seeing SWAT!Scully! Damn, woman, kick down all the doors! Use them high heels! Yee-ha!

B) Wonder how much of a repair bill they're running up for the FBI... AD Kersh will NOT be pleased... oh, wait, they don't answer to him anymore...

C) LOVE seeing them in action together... IF ONLY they... well, you know... <hopeful grin>

14) Our heroes find Pinker has scrawled a message into the wall: "Give me what I want and I'll go away"... or something to that effect. They find out where his ex-girlfriend June is now hiding and go confront her about the money Pinker Rawls stole before his arrest. They upset June's current boyfriend, and end up taking June under protective custody. When Mulder taps the trunk of the car and watches it fall apart like a man electrically charged at a molecular level had passed through it, you realize:

A) That Scully's suitcase is no longer in the trunk. Damn you, Pinker! She had her peach lipstick in there!

B) That this scene would have been more effective if they hadn't shown the naked guy hiding in the trunk...AND with the trunk light on when it shouldn't be, just to make sure us clueless audience members knew what the writers wanted us to know! No duh!

C) That Dana and Fox would never break up if it was learned Dana had once dated a naked bank robber! Fox would not give up on his One-In-Five-Billion, after all! <sigh>

15) Mulder and Scully have the police take June into protective custody. Examining his last clue, Mulder spots an apparent weakness: Pinker can't pass through non-conductive materials like glass or rubber. Scully finds out what Pinker is really after: she finds medical documentation that June was pregnant. The audience gets to watch Pinker work his way into June's secured room via the ceiling: when that happens, you:

A) Conclude that Mulder's discovery is the more important clue as it proves there is a way to stop the MOTW <writer gets trout-slapped for his blasphemy against the Blessed Redhead>

B) Realize why Pinker's been leaving behind all of those condoms... <writer gets trout-slapped by his relatives for using such language>

C) AHA THE CONDOMS MAKE SENSE AFTER ALL! <writer gets slapped with the CAPS LOCK Key... now THIS hurts>

16) Too late, Mulder and Scully arrive at the hotel to survey the damage. They're trying to figure out what happened to June's pregnancy so they can figure out where to go. The records say was a boy born but there are no records of adoptions or anything other trace of the child. They realize June must have given her son to a relative, and when our heroes slowly raise their eyes to stare at each other, you consider their thoughts to be:

A) MULDER: "Gee, do you think they named the kid Marty?" SCULLY: "Who cares? Let's go kick some ass, you Punk!"

B) MULDER: "Do you realize this poor child has no chance to get a Darth Maul action figure?! I mean, those things flew off the shelves like you wouldn't believe!" SCULLY: "I know. The tyke probably got stuck with all those extra C3PO's..." (note: this was back when Episode I The Phantom Menace was due to come out. Yes, this IS old)

C) FOX: "I...LOVE you, DANA!" DANA: "I...LOVE you, FOX!" SKINNER (off-camera): "I...LOVE you, CarriK!"

17) Pinker forces June to take him back to her sister's house to meet his son Trevor. It's a tense moment as Pinker tries to talk calmly to the boy while the sisters shudder in fear. When the escaped convict nervously goes, "Uh... you're Trevor, right? Trevor Andrew. That's your name. My name is Pinker. But you can call me Pinky," you reply:

A) see B)

B) see C)

C) "No, not Pinky you doof! <slap forehead in frustration> God, can you picture it now? 'What are we doing tomorrow night, Trevor?' 'The same thing we do every night, Pinky, try to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!' Augh..."

NOTE: For those of you wondering why June's sister had a lock on her pantry door, you might not have lived in the South. Down here, those weevils eating up your grits can get HUGE, hon!

18) June's sister does what she can to stop Pinky, uh, Pinker from taking the boy. She misses with the hot soup but nails him with the Pexiglass cookware. The boy runs, right in the direction of Mulder and Scully. Scully herds the child to safety while Mulder aims his rifle at Pinker. The convict, thinking bullets won't stop him, keeps moving. When Mulder fires and hits the guy with rubber bullets, and when Pinker gets this look on his face, you realize:

A) That rubber bullets are only meant to hurt the target, not wound or immobilize. Dammit, you Punk, you should have used a glass sword!

B) That Pinker is better off trying to lull Mulder into a trance by repeating the phrase "Cerulean is a gentle br..." <BLAM> Maybe not. Run, Pinky!

C) That both Dana and Fox are in their Protective!Mode showcasing how well they could be parenting with all those Emily clones... <deep sigh>

19) Pinker dodges the bullets by passing through a wall sans clothing. Now Scully has to deal with a Naked Guy chasing her and the boy. She leads Trevor by the hand racing to a nearby phone booth where the glass can protect them. As Pinker slams against the glass in frustration, screaming for his son, you:

A) Note the intuitive abilities of the Blessed One to protect children. And did you see that quiet no-look hand clasp between her and the boy? <reflective sigh> Dammit, CC, give Scully her ova back!!!

B) Wonder how big the psychiatrist's bill is going to be for Trevor when he's grown up all because his father walked around naked passing through walls and stuff

C) Hope Fox can hurry up and knock Pinker unconscious with a rubber mallet so he can pull Dana to safety and hug her like he did in the episode Irresistible...<deep sigh>

(additional note: crazy enough, even in 1999 those big glass phone booths were kinda rare. In this day and age of smartphones everywhere, this would be akin to Scully getting on a horse to chase down a Ford Mustang)

20) Pinker looks at his son, and realization sets in that he could never be accepted as a father. He turns away and stumbles into the street, where June drives up to slam him. Pinker passes through the front end of the car easily enough, but that windshield...ouch. Mulder runs up and passes judgment on the whole episode with these words of wisdom: "Gabba Gabba Hey." As the credits roll, you:

A) Wish Scully would be the one to make the big dramatic statement at the end...<picture it being similar to Peter Graves' speech at the end of "It! Conquered the World">

B) Nod in appreciation to the writers' deft handling of the MOTW. Most other writers would have had him crushed by a large wooden rabbit!

C) Still believe that Dana and Fox have a second chance in the movie sequel... damn bee! <mutter> <grumble>

If you more often than not answered:

A) Then you are an OBSSE acolyte who just LOVED watching Scully kick in those doors and wave around her gun and get all protective and stuff. You just hope next week she gets to drive the car!...

B) Then you are an X-Phile who wondered why Pinker didn't just roll up a sleeve and pass his arm through the door and unlock it without having to strip down... It's like, dude, show some modesty!

C) Then you are a 'Shipper who wondered why Dana and Fox didn't strip down so they could pass through solid objects and stuff... well, they could have TRIED!!! And if it didn't work, they could have tried the condoms! <THOSE would have worked!> <sigh>

So, how bad is the damage so far?

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